Mommy, do you feel like you have somewhat lost your sense of self? You just don’t know who are and what you really wanted for yourself before getting married and being a mother? Don’t get me wrong, I love being a wife and mother with my entire being. But these roles can strip off the dreams, the spark that you once had about your life, hopes and dreams before holding such high sense of responsibilities. Right now, all that I am constantly occupied with is monthly expenses; rent, petrol, electricity, the children’s formula, diapers, food, and everything else except for me. However, as I am writing this blog I thought hang on, I am actually having a solo date - at Wimpy restaurant, ordering breakfast and my favourite milkshake and just pouring into myself. This is quiet time for myself, without hubby, without the kids although the separation anxiety of being away from them makes me feel guilty and feel awful for not sharing this experience with them. I am sure most of you can relate to this, right? I usually feel lost and out of touch when I am doing things alone with the constant thoughts of where and how my family members are.
Where does this culture stem from though? Well, for me I can rightfully say my mother. She is one person who is all and everything for everyone else except for herself. She honestly doesn’t know life without taking care of other people. That she also took from my grandmother, and the cycle continues. Is it healthy though? Ofcourse not! I look at my mother and I see misery and unhappiness deep down in her heart. Yes, she may portray an outward appearance of being happy and jolly but that is overcompensation of the life she lived giving and working hard to provide for our needs to the point of forfeiting her own needs. Yes, granted as parents we sacrifice a lot of things to make our children and spouse happy but when does it stop? Until when will you come last? I am Christian, a Jehovah’s Witness and I strongly believe in the bible’s counsel and advice. In the bible there is a verse about putting other people’s interest ahead of your own and that is very important because we should not be selfish to win God’s favour. On the other hand, the bible also says that you should love your neighbour as yourself. Therefore, in order for you to love your neighbour that means you should love yourself first. I should love myself and know when putting other people’s interest is to my detriment. I need to be able to strike the balance which can be hard. I for one am a people’s pleaser, in a sense that I want to make everyone happy and satisfied even if it means bending over backwards to break my own back, literally sometimes… No, but seriously, I do have back ache problems, lol. Story for another day.
So, I have been more conscious now more than ever to buy that time to do me, to spend time with myself and be absorbed in my thoughts and feelings. To be immersed into my own world. It takes effort, energy, time and setting boundaries and not allowing others to take away that time scheduled for me. Since, I have been a mother in these 2 years and mothering 2 boys at the same time, it has been a lot easier for me to set boundaries with others outside of my immediate family, but it is so challenging to do so with my husband and kids. I feel bad to say to my husband’; “I need time alone” or to be away from the kids although I have knocked off from work.
How am I doing it then? Well, I try to set aside time each week outside of the crazy schedule to do the things that feed my soul, activities that I love engaging in and explore those that I have always wanted to do. When I knock off earlier than usual once a week, I use the few hours before my husband knocks off to spend time with me. Every week, it requires me to make the effort. Some days I literally go to a friend’s house to eat, chill and curl into the bed in the guest room and snooze in the warmth of electric blanket especially this winter. When I am on leave, I wake up as if I am going to work and go to my other work, the working on myself job just to sleep. Or else, I feel guilty for sleeping at home while the kids are up and playing with the nanny.
Basically mommy, you need to find ways in which you can go and work on yourself. It won’t be easy, it’s an ongoing effort but it’s vital. You will feel happier and more energized. Which is exactly how you would like your children to remember you for. Remember you as a mom who loved herself and loved life outside of them.
It’s time I break the cycle, it’s time you break the cycle, it’s time that we break that cycle!
For your sake, for your child’s sake
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Katiso